why am I stuck rasing kids?
by judethehedgehog
Summary: Collab with the redrosealchemist. Why tell hell did a bunch of crates with kids in them showed up at my house and why are my roommates act like they have a sexual relationship? Just what the hell is going on here! Rated T for dirty jokes and safety
1. Chapter 1

Why am I stuck rasing kids?

**A/N: hey pimps judethehedgehog here with a brand new life god dammmit! Enjoy! I don't own hetalia unfortunely.**

"Sammy calm down!", I said trying to reassure my close friend, "I don't know how a russian kid ended up on front door. No! This is not a prank!" Damn eric! And his stupid pranks!

I just sighed out of my friend's hysteria and went back to comfrot mode. "Look sammy just ask his name and take care him for a while ok?" I suggested. My ears perched up as hearded the doorbell rang. "Hold on a second Sam," I said as I turned away from the phone.

"KYLE!" I yelled, "get the fuckin door!"

"Why sould I?" My roommate yelled back, "Get it yourself!"

"Get the freaking door before I get my katana and chop your freaking balls off! I retorted. I heard running and scrambling towards the door. I quickly smiled in self satisfaction over my threat. NEVER. Underestimate me when it comes to my threats because I can and will go thourgh with them. Finally in high school my idotic roommates learn their lesson. My attention went back to the phone.

"Sorry about that. Anyways what will you do about the kid ok wish you luck! Bye!" I said as I hung up.

"FERNANDO!" I heard kyle yell, "there's a huge ass package for you. Help me carry it got dammit!"

"Hold on a second!" My light spanish and russian voice rang. "I'm coming!"

I walked to the front of ours, mostly my, house. My eyes widen when I saw the packege. It was a crate the size of freaking 9 seats at the movies! I don't remember ordering.. wait a sec. Shit! I flashed a glare towards my blond ahem "friend."

"Is this a crate full of sex toys you and eric happen to stash in my room before my dear family arrived?" I inquired with some child like innocennes

"Nope," he grumbled, "but I wish it wish it was."

"Well let's make sure!" I said while I had clamped my hands together. Kyle just raised an eyebrow at my strange behavior.

"What? You know me and how my psyche randomly changes," I huffed while crrossing my arms. Kyle just dismissed it.

"Now let's get just this son of a bitch open," Kyle growled.

Using my handy dandy kunai knives. We got the mother fucker open. As soon as the front of the crate fell off I gasped. Inside was a kid no older than 12 covered in a bunch of brusies. I quickly ran to his aid while my eyes flashed a light pink as my psyche changed once again.

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed,"is he hurt? Oh what am I gonna do. Where are yes parents?"

"Fernando," my roommate annoyingly replied as I fell into a deeper hysteria.

"Fernando," he repiled with a growl

Soon he reach his breaking point. "FERNANDO CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" Kyle exclaimed.

I muttered one of my famous voodoo curses on him. Then started to shake the kid with soft shake. "Hey kid?" I asked.

I jumped when his eyes rapidly opened to soft brown. "Hello," he replied with a soft aisan voice, "It's nice to see you again father."

Me and kyle exchange confusing looks at each other because i'm still a vi- ahhh never mind! I glanced quickly at him. Thick hair, brown eyes, brown hair, light tan, hedgehog ears and tail... HOLY SHIT HE REALLY COULD BE MY SON!

"Listen.. uh" I said.

"Kiku," he replied.

"Listen kiku though you may look ALOT like me I am not your father. If I was why would I forget about my own son?" I inquried.

"But father I," Kiku manage to say.

"How bout' I take care of you till I find you're real parents?" I asked.

"YAAAHHH!," Kiku exclaimed while jumping up and down,"I get to stay!"

Wow this kid really could be my son.

**A/N soooo major OOC ness here. Once again kyle, eric and sammy are actually my friends in real life. So explain a bit I change my back story a bit in this. I rescently stop performing in Cirque du soleil for awhile after being in 3 shows for 10 years. So I'm about 27 and very muscular in this AU. And came back to San Antonio to attend collage. Then the crate randomily showed up. (The phone call is in sammy's side of the story on her account) and the random outbrust is gonna be explained right now. The allied and axis powers are units, very human like androids who can feel pain, have full on emotions, phsycaly grow but not mentaly but they can do this at free will. Hope this explained everything bye!**


	2. Chapter 2: I almost kill my roommate!

Why am I stuck rasiing kids? Ch 2

**I OWN NOTHING!**

I gave a confused look at kiku when I noticed a booklet on the floor of the crate. I picked it up and my eyes went huge. The manual read. "Hetalia Axis Powers units-Japan/Kiku Honda" I simpily just groaned at the sight of this pinching my nose and started calling the one person who could be behind this.

"Sammy," I said with no emotion in my voice what so ever, "why is there a hetalia unit at my house?"

Kyle reconnized the name "Hetalia" and bursted out laughing. I shot him a death glare that read "shut up before I kick you out and/or kill you." He quickly shut up while my attention turned to conversation at hand. Anyways.. Sammy said she had no idea that some hetalia units ended up at my house, but she did say that it could be connected to her little Ivan.

"Sammy ok I look out for more units k?" I said as I hung up, "bye."

"So... what are we gonna do bout' your son?" Kyle asked with sarcasm.

I just handed the manual to him not wanting to deal with his immaturity. As soon as he read what a unit was he started to laugh. I just quickly showed him my kunai to get him to shut up. Thank god he did. So if sammy got Ivan and she getting 4 more units then I'm getting... OH SHIT! No no no no! I can not get the axis! Which means I'm also getting prussia and romano no no no no! This not good! TYSH ED! Ok Fernando calm down, calm down. In 1 and half months you will be going back to montreal to get ready to move to DReAM. Shit! Who's gonna take care of them while I'm gone!

"TYSH ED! TYSH ED! TYSH ED! TYSH ED!" I screamed out loud.

Kyle just came up to me and slaped me to get me out of my episode.

"Thanks," I said while rubbing my stinging cheek.

"Don't metion it," Kyle grudingly replied.

"Wait were the hell is eric?" I finally notice.

"I don't know at work?" Kyle replied.

"I'M HERE BITCHES!" My even more annoying roommate yelled.

I just groaned out of annoynace and turned to my ahem-"son"

"Kiku go wait in my bedroom upstairs last door on the right," I commanded.

He just simply bowed with a simple "ok" then left.

"Ohhhhh~ Fernado!" Eric said ,"you gonna go pound his ass later tonight!"

"Shut it!" I growled," he is my quote-un quote son"

Kyle just handed him the manuel and he bursted into a huge laughing fit. He whipped out his cell phone and was about to call someone before I stopped his hand.

"Tell anyone about this, and I will rip your eyes out, cut out your teeth and gums, and turn your head into a jack-o-lantern!" I threaten.

"Ok ok," he repiled, "I wanna have sex before I die anyways"

"Perferable with you,"he said while touching my muscluar arm.

My arm snaped back and I was about to yell when my phone started to ring.

"~_Ma'saiyah yon'tala Ma'saiyah yon'tala~_" my ringtone sang.

I blushed beet red from keeping _"Gamelan_" as my ringtone.

"Hello?" I awnsered.

"OMG!" Jackie's voice screamed threw the phone.

"What so OMG Jackie?" I asked moving my phone away from my ear.

"I can't believe you have a son! Who's the mom! How old is he! Is he felixble and acrobatic like you! Come on tell me, tell me TELL ME!" Her voice once again screamed.

"Jackie calm down!" I told her.

"Sorry I'm just so pround of you puppy!" She sang.

"Can you please stop calling me that?" I asked embarrssed that they kept my nickname from middle school.

"Why?," she asked back, "Your hair is still all fluffy and shaggy like a dog's!"

"Just please stop calling me that," I asked trying not to sound irratated.

"Your still a puppy to me and Eden!" She said once more, "and we like better when you were all scrawny and little! Not huge and muscular!"

"Well I work for cirque. Do the math." I commanded.

"We still want you insane, random and our puppy like in middle school!" She proclaimed.

"I'm 27, not 12 Naoto-kun," I said while I smirked.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" She yelled. Geez anymore of her yelling and I'll be going deaf.

"Why Naoto? I like that name Naoto. It fits you well Naoto kun" I teased.

"I'm hanging up now." She repliled annoyed.

"Bye naoto-kun" I teased one last time

Bye puppy," she said as hung up.

As sonn as I hunged up I looked over at my roommates and by the glare I had on my face. They already now what I'm gonna ask. Kyle just raised his hands in defense while Eric had a HUGE grin on face. My rage boilled over I grabbed Eric by his shirt and procceded to yell at him.

"Do you know you quickly Candace can spread gossip? You brainless little twat!" I said with venom, "I have to go to Montreal in 6 weeks to train. You think I need everyone in our old high school class to know I have a self proclaimed unit as my son, and wouldn't it be just peachy if my bosses find out?"

"Ha ha you said peachy," Eric laughed.

"you think this is funny?" I said filled with anger.

" well you'll think this is just hilarous!" I yelled while raising my kunai.

"Ok I'm sorry!" He said rasing his hands to defend himself.

I set him down still fuming with rage."If anyone besides Jackie, Eden, Candace, you two, Micheal, and Sammy find out about Kiku. I kill you both slowly and painfully got it?" I threatened.

They both nodded and walked to their seprate bedrooms, leaving me to cool down. I sighed and walked upstairs to finally get som answers out of Kiku

**Hoped you liked that why longer than the first. Anyways in real life Eric makes sexual advances towards me and it gets really annoying (not that I'm a homophobe,even though he is not gay, I still don't like getting touched). Then eden and jackie started calling puppy last year when I grew out my hair and it got shaggy and fluffy. Kyle and Eric abuse me in real life so in this I abuse them. Finally DReAM is the name of the cirque show I would create if I was ever hired by Cirque to create a show.**

_**The song "gamelan" belongs to cirque du soleil**_


	3. Chapter 3: Life with Gilbert

Why am I stuck rasing kids? Chapter three

**Here's chappie three enjoy! Little!prussia makes his debut in this chapter! I OWN NOTHING!**

Iwalked to my bedrrom hoping to find at least some sense in this strange matter. I walked into my room and my short temper overloaded again. Kiku grabbed my katana while I was downstairs and procceded to freakin' zan datsu, silce, dice you name it, almost every..single..thing in my GOT DAMN BEDROOM! He was about to slice something very dear to me a small stuff animal my parents gave to me on the day I was born, before they were killed.

"KIKU!" I shouted, "YOU BETTER NOT SLICE THAT OR YOUNRE GONNA BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!"

He put down the katana and the stuff animal, and tried to put a innocent look on his face.

"What were you thinking!" I scoulded.

"I was bored." Kiku said sheepisly

"That's how you kill your boredem!" I yelled.

"YOU'RE GROUNDED!" I yelled.

Knowing it was gonna be a bad conversation I just decided to send Kiku to bed. I lead him out of my to one of the spare bedrooms in my house. I flipped on the switch revaling a medium size bedroom with a bunk bed, dresser, TV, and a closet. The paintings on the walls inspired by one of the shows I was in shone brightly with the light on. I still need ti thank Micheal about the murals in my house.

"Here's your room kiku," I said with no emotion. Then I realized the katana and kunai knives on the walls for decoration. I walked in took them down then left the room and locked them in my garage. While I was downstairs I grabed the extra clothes that came with kiku.

"Here," I said handing him his clothes, "now go to bed."

"Yes father," he said sadly.

I left and walked into my destroyed bedroom across the hall. I procced to call Sammy.

"Hey Sammy," I said with dissapointment in my voice.

"Hey Fernando what's wrong?" She asked

"Nothing just Kiku destroyed my entire bedroom," I repiled.

"Oh that's horrible!" She exclaimed.

"It's no big deal," My gruff voice said.

"Yes it's big deal!" She yelled back. Do all of my female friends like to yell at me?

"But hey is it ok if me and Kiku come over tommarow?" I asked.

"Sure! I'll make pirozhki!" She said exictedly.

"Are you trying to make food from mother russia again?" I asked.

"I wanna try it again! I know it was a epic fail last time but I'll get it right!" She yelled... again.

"Ok ok." I said, "want me to help you?"

"That would be great!" She replied.

"Bye sammy,"

"Bye Fernando:"

I hunged up and sighed it was gonna take forever to clean up and replace everything. Then someone knocked at my door.

"What!" I yelled finally loseing it.

"There's a huge ass crate down stairs for you," eric told me, "you sexy bitch~"

I opened my door walked down stairs and found a delivery guy standing at the door.

"You Fernando Hernandez?" He asked.

"Yes." I said taking the clipboard and signing my name ," you can set it down in living room" he did as such and I shook his hand.

" gracias," I said handing him back the cilpboard.

"Your welcome," he grumbled as he left.

I noticed a smaller box and a manual on top of the crate and groaned when I read the name. It was Prussia and Gilbird. Great.. just great. Not taking any risks I reached for gilbird and turned him on. Then the crate started to rattle.

"Give me Gilbird!" A voice shouted from the inside.

I was confused because that sounded like a kid's voice. I ripped off the top and started down a 10 year old Gilbert. He kinda shrunked back but I understanded him. I mean how would you feel if a huge muscular guy, who's half russian, was staring down at you while you're inside a box?

"Can I h-have Gilbird," he asked still afraid of me.

I just handed him Gilbird quietly and let it crawl into prussia's hair. Damn the birds are cute little things.(I have a sweet spot for animals) I ripped out the front of crate and let Gilbert step out.

"Hello I'm Fernando," I said kneeling down in front of him.

"Gilbert!" He excliamed proudly. Geez is he bipolar?

"Hey," I said drawing his attention.

"What? You wanna balk in my awesomeness!" He yelled.

I rolled my eyes and began to talk.

"Your my son Gilbert Belischmidt Hernadez," I said flatly

"Waht? How can I be related to you?," he said confused ,"you're so un attractive and not awesome"

I growled"listen kid I am your father wheater you like it or not!"

He looked mortified and I bursted into laughter.

"What's so funny?" He asked with his voice filling with anger.

"I'm your adopted father not your real one!" I said trying to hold back laughter.

"Yep, you really are russian," he grumbled.

I gathered up his things and took Gilbert to his bedroom. I flicked on the light glad to see Kiku sound asleep.

"Here's your bedroom," I told him," you get top bunk."

He ran to the bunks scrambling to get on top.

"Good night Gilbert," I said.

"Gute nacht vater," he repiled triedly.

I smiled and went to sleep on my half destroyed bed.

~~~~~the next day~~~~~~

"Gilbert! Kiku! Wake up!" I yelled while turning on the lights.

"Huh?" Gilbert said as he arouse.

"Good moring father," Kiku said as he strecthed.

"Kiku, Gilly get dressed we're gonna vist a friend of mine today," I said.

"Awww. Five more mintues vater," Gilbert complained.

"Gilbert now!" I said getting impaient

"Fine! I'm up! I'm up!" He excliamed

"Good," I said while I smirked.

We all got dressed and head to Sammy house in my black mustang. I knocked on Sammy's front door.

"Rozu-chan! We're here!" I yelled so she can her me.

**Hey peoples! Hope you enjoy it please R and R!**

**~Judethehedgehog**


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